God, I miss my family so much.  I hate the holiday season.  I've not been invited to a family Christmas in three years. I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me to everyone else, but in all actuallity, last year I cried until I threw up, and then didn't leave my bed for three days.

I'm just so worn down, and alone.  The world doesn't even look real to me, anymore.  Some days it does, but most days it looks cloudy and a bit fake.  Almost like a cartoon.  Maybe I'm fucking crazy, I'm not sure.  Actually, I think that I am.

It just doesn't feel like there's any point to anything.  No family, and most of my friends I can't even speak to anymore.  I pick up and move on a whim, and then am too scared to contact them because I've no explanation for why I'm now living seven hours away.  I'm still getting messages from people who are wondering if I'm alive or dead, and can't even work up the gumption to tell them that I'm alive, but I decided that I wanted to skip town for some stupid, minute reason.

Running isn't as romantic as it sounds.  Most of the time I think I'm just running from myself.

Jesus christ, fucking grow up already.  I just can't get my life together, and I'm horribly frustrated with myself.  I set goals for myself, but never even accomplish them.  Most of the time I'm too depressed and lethargic to even want to leave my house.

I wonder where I'll end up next, who I'll abandon next.  It does scare me that if I died, no one would probably even know for quite some time.  I wonder if my mom cares that she doesn't know whether or not I'm alive.  I think our last visit would lead me to lean towards not.  Fuck, has it been three years since I've seen her already?  Jesus christ.

I've fucked up my life beyond fixing.  Excuse my insane sounding rant.  It's just been on my mind a lot lately.

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Sounds like you did it to yourself. Smart choice.....

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Sounds like you did it to yourself?
You complete idiot!

I am sorry but that was the most pathetic, unrespectful thing you could have said.

In reply to your topic...

I myself know how you feel, my mum died in my arms a year ago, my dad wants nothing to do with me again because i look so much like her and because he has a new girlfriend who is only 3 years older than me. I do not get to see my brother, and was made homeless. I have had to fend for myself, make my own money, look after myself, and I feel I am such a better individual than I was then. My life hasn't been easy- I din't bring it on myself, and whether you did or not, don't let it get too late.
Tomorrow doesn't always come!

I haven't been with my family for Christmas in the last three years either btw. They're about to drive down to California for Thanksgiving without me. It's not like the holiday matters, but it feels like they don't care at all when they never stay home for Christmas anymore. I think you should make contact with your mom. Maybe she was hurt that you didn't call and say you were showing up for Christmas, yeah? In those situations it depends on who's willing to make the call first, usually, but both parties just feel all unloved and stuff.

I'm sorry you're dealing with depression. There's a whole world out there. The worst it can do is kill you.


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It's a face, what did you think it was?